Sharing with Chrisitie

Talked to Christie last night and was able to think about all the conflicting thoughts in my mind. I feel happy to move on to Japan because it's a new opportunity but at the same time I am afraid. Afraid of spending money to learn a language when I am not sure what it's for. I have passed the stage where I can bravely dive into the pond, because I have dived in a pond before and felt the pain strike on my stomach. It's stupid.

So many people around me are encouraging me telling me there is nothing to loose, and they are right. There are so many things to look forward to in Japan; my love, new language, new culture, new people, new opportunities maybe even new knowledge of how to help run a business. Still there is a part of me afraid. The part that feels injustices that my love does not have to try something new, but then he never asked me to so why am I?

Christie shared her experiences with me last night and I realized that I am not the only one struggling in this stupid cycle of "I love you so do what you want" it's easy to say but hard to do especially for women, maybe it's just me and Christie and not all women, but we feel we have to try, just to avoid regretting.

So here I am still outside the experience of moving for my love, only a few months left and scared but looking forward to it.

I am not brave, not strong, not powerful as others sometimes believe me to be, but I am me, a woman trying, prying, struggling, not letting go of life and I am proud to be weak, faltering, failing because at least I can say "I did my best".

May 26, 2005