I'm in white, pristine white
that's how I feel now
a blank slate
in the best possible sense
A board that's been
smoothed over and over again
protected by those who cannot stand the scratches
shined by those who wanted room for new stories
I'm in white, an oblivion white
that's how I feel now
a lost soul
in the best possible sense
I'm spinning in a whirlwind of happiness
unsure where events will lead me
tugged left by reality, right by dreams
but either way I've been found and am held safe
I'm in white, a blissful white
that's how I feel now
a childish woman
in the best possible sense
I'm free to roam through life
to giggle silly like a girl
yet am given all the respects for a woman
by Santi, who makes me feel free to simply be.
This poem was written the day before I got married and read during our wedding dinner on March 6, 2009.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
On Married Life
The warmer weather had finally thawed away my writer's block.
So what's married life like?
I don't have that A-HA! moment that other people seem to have when they hear that I am married. I still feel like the same rebellious Chian who likes looking at gorgeous men (though Santi highly disapproves of me sharing these thoughts with him).
But he doesn't ask me to change, and nor will I. Just because I am legally bound to someone does not mean my thoughts have to be also bound by someone too.
The plus side of married life is that I feel a certain calm and security. A warmth knowing that every night when I return home, Santi and our cat Freddie-O will be my best welcoming committee. One will offer me a warm kiss, while the other will flop down and ask me for a major belly rub.
I think marriage is overrated. Over glamorfied. It is simply two people who enjoy sharing life together, nothing more, nothing less. It is also two people knowing that they annoy each other but love each other enough to appreciate that annoyingness.
It's not the fabric of fairy tales, nor the boring dread that some make it out to be. It is whatever each couple decides to make of it.
Right now, my married life is more of a spillover from couple life--We still live in the same rented house, still have the gorgeous wooden patio with flowers yet to bloom, still meet up with the same friends, still are our dignified selves refusing to...him, wear contact lenses...me ease up on my strange weirdness of not letting him walk on my left side.
The only thing really different is that when I fill out forms I check the "married" box. For that sometimes I don't think I deserve all the congratulatory notes or the exclamations, or the excitement. I feel like a "Miranda" (who didn't feel deserving of all the oooos and aaahs when she was pregnant) except I think she deserved it because she actually worked for hers, whereas I didn't really. All I did was decided to remain status quo.
So what's married life like?
I don't have that A-HA! moment that other people seem to have when they hear that I am married. I still feel like the same rebellious Chian who likes looking at gorgeous men (though Santi highly disapproves of me sharing these thoughts with him).
But he doesn't ask me to change, and nor will I. Just because I am legally bound to someone does not mean my thoughts have to be also bound by someone too.
The plus side of married life is that I feel a certain calm and security. A warmth knowing that every night when I return home, Santi and our cat Freddie-O will be my best welcoming committee. One will offer me a warm kiss, while the other will flop down and ask me for a major belly rub.
I think marriage is overrated. Over glamorfied. It is simply two people who enjoy sharing life together, nothing more, nothing less. It is also two people knowing that they annoy each other but love each other enough to appreciate that annoyingness.
It's not the fabric of fairy tales, nor the boring dread that some make it out to be. It is whatever each couple decides to make of it.
Right now, my married life is more of a spillover from couple life--We still live in the same rented house, still have the gorgeous wooden patio with flowers yet to bloom, still meet up with the same friends, still are our dignified selves refusing to...him, wear contact lenses...me ease up on my strange weirdness of not letting him walk on my left side.
The only thing really different is that when I fill out forms I check the "married" box. For that sometimes I don't think I deserve all the congratulatory notes or the exclamations, or the excitement. I feel like a "Miranda" (who didn't feel deserving of all the oooos and aaahs when she was pregnant) except I think she deserved it because she actually worked for hers, whereas I didn't really. All I did was decided to remain status quo.
The Negotiator
I've watched The Negotiator a couple of times now, but it was only tonight that I realized that it was set in Chicago! How appropriate. I never got the corrupt connection before. I'd always assumed that it was set in a random American city, but now watching it I think whoever chose the location knew what they were doing.
First, Chicago is famous for Al Capone, and lately Rob Blagojevich. The former Illinois governor was impeached for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by now U.S. President Barack Obama. (Of course good things happen in Chicago too.)
But that's not all! John Ambrose, a deputy U.S. Marshal, recently went on trial for allegedly leaking to information to the mob about a person under witness protection program.
Watching The Negotiator under these contexts made the movie seem more real. Plus the fact I now recognize the brown bridges draped along Chicago River as well as the famous rusted Loop structures.
This "deeper" understanding makes me realize (again) that movies and books will always speak to us in different ways through out different stages of our life. The same goes for art, wine, food; the more mature our tastes are, the more we can appreciate the complexities that some offer. I guess that also goes for life; the more experienced we are, the more we appreciate subtle gestures or words and learn to read into their complexities.
But the really tricky part is learning how to be simple again after receiving all these insights.
First, Chicago is famous for Al Capone, and lately Rob Blagojevich. The former Illinois governor was impeached for allegedly trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by now U.S. President Barack Obama. (Of course good things happen in Chicago too.)
But that's not all! John Ambrose, a deputy U.S. Marshal, recently went on trial for allegedly leaking to information to the mob about a person under witness protection program.
Watching The Negotiator under these contexts made the movie seem more real. Plus the fact I now recognize the brown bridges draped along Chicago River as well as the famous rusted Loop structures.
This "deeper" understanding makes me realize (again) that movies and books will always speak to us in different ways through out different stages of our life. The same goes for art, wine, food; the more mature our tastes are, the more we can appreciate the complexities that some offer. I guess that also goes for life; the more experienced we are, the more we appreciate subtle gestures or words and learn to read into their complexities.
But the really tricky part is learning how to be simple again after receiving all these insights.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Union
How do I unionize my emotions
to boycott you?
My logic stands behind the picket fence
pacing to and from
rejecting any physical demands
from you
The memory of your head in my lap drifts
drawing me in
to surrender to any demands
from you
My emotions chant for better benefits
'No more lies,' 'No more cheating,'
If we returned and worked
would we work?
Can I be satisfied with the upgrade?
Can I believe the benefits will be paid?
(Poem from October 2007, resurfacing after sorting through my works)
to boycott you?
My logic stands behind the picket fence
pacing to and from
rejecting any physical demands
from you
The memory of your head in my lap drifts
drawing me in
to surrender to any demands
from you
My emotions chant for better benefits
'No more lies,' 'No more cheating,'
If we returned and worked
would we work?
Can I be satisfied with the upgrade?
Can I believe the benefits will be paid?
(Poem from October 2007, resurfacing after sorting through my works)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Blossoms
Like lilies we float
in the pond in our pink and white dresses
hoping to stay afloat without any effort
while remaining bright and attractive
We don't want to root ourselves
neither do we want to drown
so we float, gleaming over the surface
bathing in the sun to our own accord
in the pond in our pink and white dresses
hoping to stay afloat without any effort
while remaining bright and attractive
We don't want to root ourselves
neither do we want to drown
so we float, gleaming over the surface
bathing in the sun to our own accord
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Graduation
There was no exhilaration like the pop of champagne
Only a slow decline towards I.
Sure, I'd obtained the next step in my chess game of life. But,
my opponent:
my own mind.
No matter what direction I moved the thoughts
it grinned, for there is always more
desire for correctness corrupts the mind
and I
whilst we battled for the right
to save?
to conquer?
to gain peace?
to pierce and gain?
to the powerful decision of what should be left
on the black and white checkerboard after the diploma is signed.
Only a slow decline towards I.
Sure, I'd obtained the next step in my chess game of life. But,
my opponent:
my own mind.
No matter what direction I moved the thoughts
it grinned, for there is always more
desire for correctness corrupts the mind
and I
whilst we battled for the right
to save?
to conquer?
to gain peace?
to pierce and gain?
to the powerful decision of what should be left
on the black and white checkerboard after the diploma is signed.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Abortion
Control is what we all seek
I sought it, you sought it
neither of us got it.
Instead we are left
no, I am left
and you are left.
It isn't left though.
Some say it's bad to end it
Other say it's good to end it
either way, it's ended
and there's no more waiting.
No more nurturing
no more breeding
no more holding
on. No more caring.
No more bleeding
no more draining
no more soul
wrenching. Physically
removed. Technically
removed. Emotionally?
I sought it, you sought it
neither of us got it.
Instead we are left
no, I am left
and you are left.
It isn't left though.
Some say it's bad to end it
Other say it's good to end it
either way, it's ended
and there's no more waiting.
No more nurturing
no more breeding
no more holding
on. No more caring.
No more bleeding
no more draining
no more soul
wrenching. Physically
removed. Technically
removed. Emotionally?
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Shall I build a Snowman?
Afraid but hopeful
she wants to imprint her feet in the snow
and retrace the giddy steps she once took
to play in the frigid cold
but the wind smashes warnings against her cheeks
of what's ahead
each icy reminder a flash to the past
and she wonders should she brace for the journey
or retreat into a future of unknown.
she wants to imprint her feet in the snow
and retrace the giddy steps she once took
to play in the frigid cold
but the wind smashes warnings against her cheeks
of what's ahead
each icy reminder a flash to the past
and she wonders should she brace for the journey
or retreat into a future of unknown.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Returning to Taiwan!!!
Dear friends,
Here's a quick quick update. I will be going back to Taiwan for Christmas so if any of you are in Taiwan then I'd love to meet up:)
Here's a quick quick update. I will be going back to Taiwan for Christmas so if any of you are in Taiwan then I'd love to meet up:)
Saturday, October 06, 2007
More photos!
It turns out I have more photos from my more diligent friends! These photos are taken by Ben during the summer of 2007. He was kind enough to even explain what the events were about. Enjoy~
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